Thursday, September 29, 2005

Wilmer Valderrama and Lucy Liu Each Other!

Our sources, noting an unusual amount of activity involving wedding procedures and the comings and goings of people, allows us to be the first to break the news that Lucy Liu and Wilmer Valderrama have secretly married. Liu, whose previous relationships included being captured on film kissing Ally McBeal, and Valderrama, often shown dateless on television, apparently kept this relationship secret to all, a Hollywood rarity. Although perhaps Valderrama wed to gain a green card as it is hard for actors to prove they have steady employment and his television show is in its last season.

Our sources observed a Kabbalah wedding set up. Also observing attending were Demi Moore and her ex-husband Bruce Willis, leading us to speculate whether a reconciliation is in the works. Ashton Kutcher, Valderrama’s lesser known co-star, was reported seeing bringing a woman described as “looking like his grandmother”. Maybe someone punked him.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

The Truth Between the Donovan McNabb and Terrell Owens Dispute

We have learned there is much more to the dispute between Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb and his prime receiver, Terrell Owens. Owens was critical of McNabb’s slow paced performance at the end of last year’s Super Bowl that gave the Eagles one touchdown but did not leave them with enough time to attempt a second touchdown, one that was essential for an Eagles victory.

“The final touchdown meant, while the Eagles didn’t win, they at least beat the point spread. To McNabb that’s all that matters”, according to a terribly drunk person with a gang-sounding nickname in a South Philadelphia bar who was assume he knew what he was talking about, “McNabb had a bunch of money riding on beating the point spread. Owens, now he took the Eagles winning outright. That was a sucker’s bet.” The gentleman claimed he personally say McNabb and Owens place their bets with Pete Rose.

One can only imagine the frustration in that Eagles huddle with McNabb trying to meticulously obtain the one touchdown to put the Eagles over the point spread while Owens was yelling for a hurry-up offense to try for two touchdowns which, though, being more risky might have meant the Eagles wouldn’t have scored any final touchdown. “McNabb did the right thing”, our source explained, “this way, everyone’s happy. New England gets to have their sissy parade and the right to display the Stanley Cup in Boston, while we in Philly get to collect all the gambling dough. At least we in Philly got our priorities right.”

Friday, September 16, 2005

Heidi Klum into Bestiality

Famed stage actress Heidi Klum is secretly into bestiality, or at least it was a secret until we are the first to break the story and ruin Ms. Klum’s reputation all across the nation except parts of Montana. “Heidi Klum not only is dating a seal, but I heard they secretly got married”, our paid informant told us while unscrewing the cap to the wine we gave her, “now, maybe that isn’t bestiality, but it at least is fishiality.”

It is illegal to marry a fish in Vermont. We checked. We doublechecked. We are not allowed back in Vermont.

We are not certain if a seal is a mammal, fish, or bird, and we’re too lazy to look it up. Whatever a seal is, we highly suspect it is unnatural for a human to engage in sensuous interludes followed by long walks in the park with a seal, although strolls along the beaches might be understandable.

Countless attempts to get a quote from Ms. Klum’s publicists were unsuccessful and it appears our number has been blocked. Also, we ran out of quarters.

Heidi Klum has an unusual background, being born in cologne, Germany in 1973. Perhaps seals are attracted to the smell of people born in cologne bottles. Asked if marrying a seal would hurt her career, a noted critic found shouting that the world will end soon responded, “well, if she can reach out to the fish around the world, then maybe there will be world peace. But, that is not likely. The Martians are getting to out us first.”

Despite Giving Birth, Britney Spears is Still a Virgin

Britney Spears continues to deny all rumors that she is pregnant, according to the press releases we finally got around to reading. “Just because a child came out of her body doesn’t mean she’s pregnant”, explained someone who claims to be associated either with Ms. Spears or broccoli spears, “in fact, it’s a scienceticial fact that once you’ve given birth, you ain’t no longer pregnant.”

People we interview in the Spears circle, which include a five mile radius of mostly rabid fans who at most have seen her for a few seconds, claim the rumor that Britney Spears ever was pregnant is just a silly rumor. “In fact, we know she’s still a virgin”, explained one guy while rubbing his 50 inch belly, “I mean, why else would she turn me down for hot urangutan sex?”

We asked an expert at a local clinic if it was possible that a woman could give birth and still be a virgin. “Uhhhh, how did you get in here”, replied the highly regarded registered nurse. A nearby priest, though, confirmed that it is possible to give birth while a virgin.

Is Britney Spears still a virgin? Only her hairdresser knows and, quite frankly, if we think it is up to him, our guess is: yes.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Tara Reid's Shoes Split

When Tara Reid travels, she gets two hotel rooms: one for herself and one for her shoes. “Her shoes insist on a separate room”, explained a hotel worker smoking a cigarette in the parking lot who took twenty bucks for this exclusive. “The shoes can’t stand to be with Tara Reid”, our informant explained, “she likes to eat smelly cheese at night. Man, I don’t blame those shoes for wanting a separate room.”

Industry specialists note that split between the actress and her shoes developed shortly after Ms. Reid’s making People magazine’s Worst Dressed List, an incident that infuriated her shoes who felt their hard work was being neglected by Mr. Reid’s clothing choices. Tara Reid’s shoes’ agent insisted there is no dissention between Ms. Reid and her shoes. “The fact they want a trial separation only indicates they want some space from each other”, the agent explained while predicting that Ms. Reid and her shoes plan to seek counseling and that they would reunite.

“It is a shame when shoes and celebrities can no longer get along”, proclaimed Cathy, who stated she is a cartoon character in a comic strip named after her, adding “what’s the world coming to?”

Elvis Killed JFK in Jealousy over Marilyn Monroe

Elvis Presley, who has been working as an automobile mechanic in Billings, Montana since faking his death several years ago, has confessed to assassinating John Kennedy in a jealous outrage over Marilyn Monroe, the inspiration for his song “hunka hunka burning love”. Presley stated he could never understand what attracted Monroe to Kennedy, observing “granted, he could get on all networks at the same time, but he was only on television a few times a year, and Kennedy never once did a movie or cut an album like I did.” Presley stated he was standing on the grassy knoll on that fateful day when he got cold feet and decided against shooting Kennedy. So, instead, he cleaned his rifle, which accidentally fired three, maybe four (Presley can’t remember which) times. “I was stunned later when I learned the shots hit someone, as the most I could ever hit before was a television set and only then if it were three feet in front of me”, Presley stated. Presley admitted he only has come forward after learning that the 40 year statute of limitations for first degree murder had passed (or, at least, that’s what we told him). In further conversation, Presley stated he had been shocked when he learned his daughter has married a member of the Jackson 5, but was relieved when he saw the wedding photos, noting “at least she married the white member of the group.”

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Bush Presidency May Be Stricken from History Books

The disclosure that Rafael Palmeiro and Jose Canseco used illegal steroids during the time when George W. Bush was General Manager of the Texas Rangers took a stunning turn when it was announced that Bush also used illegal drugs. Members of the American Historical Association have reacted in shock. Many in their membership are recommending that the Bush Presidency be deleted from the record book. “No one knows if he ever would have gotten to be President if it weren’t for his use of drugs”, someone who knows a member of the association was quoted as stating. “To keep his Presidency on the books would be an insult to players such as Warren Harding who earned the Presidency without any performance enhancing drugs”, suggested someone else who was standing nearby.

A source close the U. S. Supreme Court disputed the likelihood of the Bush Presidency being stricken from the records.