Saturday, September 19, 2009

Angelina Jolie Is a Space Alien: We Have the Proof

A man claims he was abducted by an alien spaceship. What I find interesting about his story is when he states the room in the spacecraft in which he was placed was full of Angelina Jolie posters. This has us, at the Irrational Inquirer, thinking. This story leads to four possibilities:

1.) Angelina Jolie literally has universal beauty. She is popular on Earth and other planets. Her agent should be discussing universal royalty rights on those alien posters. Although, we are not certain is this may cause currency conversion problems.

2.) The aliens want abductees to feel comfortable and at home. This leads to the question of why the aliens chose Angelina Jolie posters to place in the human evaluation room. Is this how distant civilizations view us, as Angelina Jolie worshippers? I am not saying this view is wrong, I am just surprised aliens from other galaxies are able to realize this.

3.) The posters just happened to belong to one of the aliens. Maybe the reason aliens come to Earth is to collect posters. Do other rooms have posters of Farrah and Derek Jeter and others? Do they just collect posters, or do they watch the movies and follow our sports teams as well?

4.) The man in nuts.

Our immediate question is, regardless of which of four hypotheses is correct, why Angelina Jolie? Why not, say, Jennifer Aniston? Is the great cosmic question, the reason for all universal formation has been in existence for is to answer the one ultimate question: who Brad Pitt should be with?

Then the truth occurred to us. Angelina Jolie is a space alien. She came to conquer Earth. Fortunately, in alien definitions, conquering a planet does not mean military conquest but societal conquest. We indeed have become a planet that bows down and gives our money to Angelina Jolie.

We note Angelina Jolie has all the traits of a space alien. When she was caught wearing a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck, that wasn’t some kinky romantic gesture. She was collecting Earth samples. Remember when she was caught kissing her “brother” in public? No Earthling would do that, well, at least not in public. She has lions guarding her house. This had us stumped until we realized the obvious: she is a space alien. She has some kind of ability to control the actions of animals, otherwise she would risk going out to check the mail and being devoured.

We Earthlings have fallen under the trance of Angelina Jolie. No matter how bad her movies are, we keep screaming for more. When she was appointed Goodwill Ambassador”, little did we know it was an ambassador for a distant planet. Take us, Angelina, we are yours.

P.S. Any time you wish to visit and probe us, we’re available. We just hope you already have enough blood samples.