Wednesday, June 25, 2008

John McCain McCan't

The Irrational Injurer staff have completed the most thorough investigative research ever into the secrets of John McCain. The following is what they have found:

John McCain was born to a Panama and a Panapa. He attended the Naval Academy where he planned future wars with Charlie Wilson. McCain served honorably in the Navy and is the last surviving veteran of the Spanish American War. After the war, John McCain went into politics serving as the Territory Governor for the State of Arizona and Northern Mexico and later, after Arizona was granted statehood, as a member of the Mexican Senate. As Senator, McCain is most remembered for the McCain Feingold Law that allowed only the sale of fine Mexican gold to foreigners. McCain was known as a political maverick who would speak out against the Administration before giving in to what they wanted from him.

McCain, with his brothers Michael, Tito, Jermaine, and Jackie, formed the Keating Five. The Keating Five were arrested for disrupting the 1968 Democratic National Convention for singing such protest songs as “Give War a Chance for 100 Years” and “Power to the Enron People”. They were acquitted when the Judge realized they were Caucasian. McCain went on to write the best selling book “Faith of My Fathers”, which proved embarrassing as his mother had wanted her bigamy kept quiet. In November of this year, McCain will be defeated by President by Barack Obama because Chuck Hegel has already programmed the voting machines to tabulated Obama the winner.