Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Bigoted Bigamist Bigfoot Is In Our Freezer

The Irrational Injurer wishes to announce we have Bigfoot in our freezer. We saw how much publicity some guys got , we said: wow, we really use that amount of publicity, and they did not even have Bigfoot. So, we wish to announce: we’d love some publicity. So, we officially announce we have Bigfoot. Oh, and so we are not deceiving anyone, we really don’t have Bigfoot. Come on, everyone knew those other guys didn’t have Bigfoot. You know we don’t have Bigfoot. We don’t want to fool anyone. Again, we just want the publicity with announcing that we have Bigfoot in our freezer. So, please, let the publicity begin.

Incidentally, we also have the Vice Presidential nominees in our freezer. We will not release their identity as we are able to keep a secret. Again, we are not out to defraud anyone. We just want the publicity.

We also wish to announce that Bigfoot is engaged to marry the Olsen twins. We are not certain why, but that seems to be the type thing that also generates publicity.

Again, to be clear, Bigfoot is not really engaged to the Olsen twins. That was be bigamy. Bigfoot bigamy is a topic we wish to stay clear about. Both Vice Presidential nominees state they are in agreement with this.

We also have John Edwards in our freezer. Now, this one might actually be true. He seems to be hiding in there. We can’t get him to come out.

OK, just so we are clear, no one is to deduce that John Edwards is in fact Bigfoot and engaged to the Olsen twins. That would be irresponsible journalism, like quoting our politicians stating that it is wrong for Russia to invade a sovereign nation because we, with the exception of our invasion of Iraq, would never do that. We would, however, dress in a Bigfoot costume and marry the Olsen twins. That would be responsible journalism.

We do think Bigfoot in fact dislikes John Edwards. We believe Bigfoot is a closet bigot. Which does not mean that Bigfoot is in the closet because Bigfoot is a closeted gay. Bigfoot is in fact an outspoken gay.

We state that just because we want to be able to write that we have a bigoted bigamist Bigfoot in our freezer. Which, of course, is not true. Bigfoot is an animal who does not distinguish between people because of race.

Incidentally, we sympathize with our friend Benjamin Lautenberg who shortened his name and now finds he is on the “no fly” list. So, Ben Laden, but those are the breaks.

We do have actual news, and that is a scandal has broken out at a Philadelphia race track. It seems the track continued accepted bets after the races had been run. That is poor business sense. The really sad part is the bettors still lost.