Friday, January 20, 2006

Knowing Richard Scrushy Can Cure Cancer and Dandruff

The news that Richard Scrushy, the Chief Executive Office of HealthSouth Corporation, paid a journalist for writing positive articles about him is just ridiculous. We at the Irrational Injurer pretend to have known Mr. Scrushy for years and we know such a charge can not possibly be true. We have found Mr. Scrushy to be honest, dedicated, and all his checks clear. We further can not believe the charge that Mr. Scrushy would pay preachers to sit in the court trial audience on his behalf in an attempt to sway the jury. That is beyond the character of Mr. Scrushy, and to show our dedication, we will be in the court room rooting for Mr. Scrushy all the way, and we aren’t even preachers. We want the jury to know that Mr. Scrushy is the most reliable person we have ever known. He has never missed a payment.

Mr. Scrushy is charged with defrauding $2.7 billion. We can’t believe that. I mean, would a man who stole that much money be paying such chump change to bribe people to support him? That makes no sense. Think about it. If you have $2.7 billion in your pocket, you’re not waiting for the police to pick you up and arrest you in Alabama. You’re in a private mansion in Costa Rica with a pet llama practicing shooting bottles of 12 year whiskey with your automatic rifle.

Media critics claim these alleged payments to journalists are a dark day against journalism. Several media conferences will explore this issue. We disagree: Richard Scrushy has only been deeply supportive of the media. We believe more sources should be paying us for reporting on them. Richard Scrushy was only showing how grateful he was for the hard work we journalists put into our jobs: the long hours of abuse to our typing fingers. Richard Scrushy is someone who recognizes our pain, and found a remedy that soothes our aches. Isn’t that the real mission of HealthSouth, to make those suffering feel better?. Yet, if any journalist conference wishes to discuss this issue, we will gladly be there in defense of Mr. Scrushy. Just contact our agent for our speaking fee.

Richard Scrushy, remember, our support for you is as deep as your pockets. You can call on us anytime. You remember our number, and if not, just let us know, and we’ll have the bank give you the number again.