Friday, October 28, 2005

Fox to Rerun World Series as a Yankees-Dodgers World Series

The recent White Sox-Astros World Series was the lowest rated World Series in baseball history. Fox TV executives are in a tailspin over the news that barely anyone in Chicago (who are mostly Cubs fans) was watching and that barely anyone in Houston (why watch baseball when there’s a good Texas high school game on) watched and that no one else in the rest of the country cared.

To recoup their financial losses, Fox executives are taking a lesson from their fair and balanced news department and announced they are going to make-up the World Series. The games will be rerun on Fox as a Yankees-Dodgers World Series. “Everyone knows that only ratings in L.A. and the Big Apple matter” explained Rupert, who described himself as a senior Fox executive from Great Britain. The World Series will be re-run exactly as played, only White Sox uniforms will be digitally changed into Yankees uniforms and Astros uniforms will be digitally changed into Dodgers uniforms.

Fox officials refuse to give a clue to the outcome, but, for our money, we’re taking the Yankees in four.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Saddam Hussein To Be the New James Bond

Saddam Hussein has been selected to be the new James Bond, according to intelligence reports we’ve intercepted from sources close to the White House, or some house in Washington, D.C. that is white or at least off-white. Maybe more of a blue. “Who better to play the man with the license to kill”, our source explained, “then a man who actually had a license to kill”

Noting that Bond movies have a huge international audience, the selection of Saddam Hussein is considered a brilliant move. Polls consistently show Saddam Hussein even more popular than George Bush throughout most of the world. While Bond movie producers expect a drop-off in American attendance, the expected world-wide increase in people seeing Saddam Hussein is expected to more than make up the loss of American appeal.

Filming may be delayed as Hussein first has some legal difficulties to clear up. “As soon as he has his legal troubles behind him, we expect to begin filming almost immediately”, a production assistant explained.

The fight over who will be Bond leading women was narrowed when it was explained the Bond women would all be veiled. “The leading woman could be Jim Belushi for all we care” explained a camera operator.

Saddam Hussein came to fame as a popular Iraqi author despite harsh critical reviews of his novels “Be Gone Demons!” and “Zabiba and the King”. Enraged by the critics, it was said Saddam would roam his Iraqi homestead and take his anger out on Kurds and Shiites. He finally settled down and has been spending the last year in solitude enhancing his acting skills.

The theme song of the next Bond movie will be sung by Michael Jackson.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Lindsay Lohan's Car Accidents Are Publicity Stunts

Lindsay Lohan’s recent series of automobile accidents (what’s it been, two? We can’t count that high without getting dizzy) initially blamed on being chased by the paparazzi (and we’re amazed we could spell that word) turns out to have been lies: she was not being chased by floods of photographers. In fact, our sources, consisting of a group of tourists with cameras, tell us that not only were photographers not chasing her, but they could care less. In fact, our sources close to Lindsay Lohan have confided that these car accidents are nothing but a cry for help to get the paparazzi to chase her.

“Do you know how humiliating it is to shop on Robertson Avenue and not have anyone take your photograph”, a woman identifying herself as Tiffany and her occupation as a singer, told us. “You stand around waiting to be photographed, and nothing. I am sure it had to be devastating to Ms. Lohan when the exact same thing began happening to her.”

Ms. Lohan was described as desperate, even allowing straps to her dress to come undone in a vain attempt to get noticed by photographers. “I think it was when her skirt fell off, and still no one noticed, that she finally lost it”, a man who identified himself as a guitarist for a local smalltime band called Flock of Seagulls, told us. “She just flipped out after that.”

Car accidents as the new publicity stunt? It seems that way. Watch out on the road for drunk drivers, drivers using cell phones, and now, fading celebrities.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

President Bush is Drinking Again

George W. Bush is drinking again, according to rumors we overheard on the Metro. Two women, speaking in hushed tones behind their shopping carts, claimed they overheard a very drunk Bush approaching women in a package store with lines like “I want to invade you like I invaded Iraq. Once I’m inside, I stay there for a long time.” His attorney whisked him away before local police could file charges. Bush was overheard telling his attorney “you get them to keep this quiet, and I’ll appoint you to the Supreme Court.”