Thursday, July 27, 2006

President John Kennedy's Death Was a Suicide

In an exclusive Irrational Injurer analysis of the famous Zapruder film of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, after watching the film backwards and forwards several times we have come to the startling conclusion, when viewing the film backwards, that President Kennedy committed suicide. One can clearly follow the trajectory of the shots from the car outwards towards the book depository.

It is shocking to realize that people have become so engaged in conspiracy theories that they forgot to look at the most basic elements. Being President had to be a stressful job what with the Cold War and trying to make good on your promise to land an astronaut on the moon by the end of the decade (and this was before anyone thought to just film the whole thing in a studio).

We at the Irrational Injurer wish to apologize to the estates of Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, Richard Nixon, Henny Youngman, and to John Seigenthaler for earlier suggesting they were involved in the shooting. It seems they were all only involved in the cover-up.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Kate Hudson's REAL Weight Problem

Kate Hudson has won a lawsuit against a tabloid that claimed she was too thin. We at the Irrational Injurer do not wish to be sued. So, let us be perfectly clear: we do not think Kate Hudson is too thin.

In fact, just to make this point certain, let us state: Kate Hudson, you’re too fat. Have you looked in a mirror? You may think you have a gorgeous body, but let’s face it, as you’re getting older, those hips and legs are ballooning up. Frankly, may we suggest that you try purging your meals, exercising obsessively, and skipping meals. We believe this would be a healthy solution to your humongous weight gain. At least that’s what the women in our office suggest. Also, they advise taking lots of laxatives.

Have you considered liposuction? Don’t worry: lots of actresses have had plastic surgery. You’ll fit right in with the others as you wait in those long casting lines.

If you can’t lose the weight, don’t give up hope. There are still some small roles reserved for obese women in some films. Usually it is a comedy that makes fun of fat women, but you’ll learn to laugh at yourself.

In the meanwhile, be prepared to hear words like “fat cow”, “wide load”, and jokes about how you need to see an Astronomer for your annual physical. It is best you realize this now before you hear it in a hurtful place.

Just don’t fall for “your mamma” comments. Your mother isn’t fat. She’s hot. Of course, we think SHE might be a little too thin…

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Truth About the Secret of Britney Spears Being a Murderer

The National Enquirer is retracting its stories on Britney Spears. We at the Irrational Inquirer wish to one up the National Enquirer by stating that not only are we retracting all of our stories on Britney Spears, but we are retracting the ones we never did print about her.

We seem to be mistaken that Britney Spears is a form of a British broccoli. Nor is Britney Spears a form of British intelligence assassination.

Our story that she is really a flying half horse, half mermaid is, in fact, an error. We weren’t seeing her too clearly that day. Our mistake.

Our story that she is secretly married to Tom Cruise is, as best as we can tell, wrong. Tom Cruise, Kevin Federline: these Hollywood types all look alike. And they all look like mermaids flying through the sky.

We were wrong to print that Britney Spears and John Seigenthaler assassinated John F. Kennedy. We now believe Seigenthaler acted alone.

We were going to retract the story about Britney Spears kissing Madonna, but it seems that one is actually true. I wonder if her husband Tom Cruise knows about her and Madonna? And what does Madonna’s husband Joseph think about all this, when he’s not hiding taking photos of the two of them together. And we see by the photos: someone isn’t wearing a seat belt.

Finally, we admit we were wrong to write that Britney Spears will be replacing Star Jones on “The View”. She instead will be replacing Dan Rather.

We hopes this clears all the confusion