Friday, March 24, 2006

New Religious Fad Hits Hollywood and LAX

A secret document slipped to the Irrational Injurer by an obvious whistleblower-wannabe hading out this information in pamphlet form at the airport explains details of a new religion that has become a Hollywood cult favorite. It is called Shineontology. By studying the lessons of the Prophet Profit and learning the skills of writing checks to the Shineontology Profit Discretionary Spending Fund, Hollywood entertainers achieve higher and higher levels of spiritual achievement. The levels are determined by intense reflection into having checks clear. The top level that can be reached is one where one is able to look into a camera or sing into a microphone and convince millions that you have talent without having any talent whatsoever. It is rumored that new memberships have significantly boomed in recent weeks. A lower level of achievement only works on network programmers and record company executives. And, we suspect, this religion explains a lot in what we’ve being seeing on TV and hearing on the radio lately.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Jennifer Anniston Marries Guy with Big Bones

The reports stating that it is not true that Jennifer Aniston has gotten married are not true. Wait, isn’t that not too many double negatives? Anyway, the Irrational Inquirer has learned from associates very acquainted with Jennifer Aniston who tell us that she indeed has married, once to Brad Pitt and once to Ross Geller. In fact, someone should tell Vince Vaughn, who has been following her around like a lost puppy, that he has no chance with this woman who already has two husbands. Then again, maybe she collects husbands, you know, like we at the Irrational Inquirer collect Star Wars figurines, so maybe Vince has a chance after all. Maybe if Vince dressed up like a wookie and Jennifer put her hair up like Carrie Fisher, that might work.

Ross Geller is described as someone into dinosaur bones. We’re not certain what that means, but it definitely sounds kinky. Those Hollywood types are into all kinds of weird things.

Meanwhile, Anniston’s husband continues to get bad press over allegations that he had a fling with his co-star Angelina Jolie. This level of journalistic sensationalism only to sell papers really upsets those of us who deal only in hard facts. We at the Irrational Inquirer continue to advise Mrs. Anniston-Pitt-Geller not to worry as we know that Angelina will return to a certain staff person at the Irrational Injurer. Call when you ready, Angie. We have the wookie outfit waiting.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

O.J. Simpson to Replace Dick Cheney as Vice President

George Bush plans to replace with Dick Cheney as Vice President with respected athlete and veteran television newscaster O.J. Simpson. Apparently the decision was made when it was realized that Cheney’s popularity of 18% had fallen below that of the approval rating O.J. Simpson of 29%. This would be a great step towards boosting the image of the White House, especially among African Americans who currently give Bush a 2% approval rating. An FBI background check into Simpson has confirmed that, unlike Cheney, Simpson has never shot anyone.

“With the popularity of the Simpsons remaining steady throughout many years”, Bush explained, “it is good to have one of the Simpsons working for me. I’m just sorry neither Homer nor Marge was available.” Simpson stated he is ready to perform the duties of Vice President, adding that “if the job doesn’t fit, then you have to quit.”

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Decoding the Truth Behind the Da Vinci Code Red

Secret messages in the paintings of Leonardo da Vinci, whom people don’t seem to realize lived many years after the times of Christ and thus doesn’t know anything about Christ firsthand, have been revealed to the Irrational Injurer. Apparently if you play da Vinci’s painting backwards, one can clearly find a secret message that “George Harrison is dead”, which, according to our confidential sources, is miraculously close to the truth.

When contacted by our reporters, the estate of George Harrison refused to take our calls. As did the estate of Leonardo da Vinci. We tried to call the Vatican, but we couldn’t find the Vatican’s first name, and every Vatican found in the phone directory proved to be of no assistance.

Religious scholars point that there are no records remaining concerning the life of Jesus Christ, whom we understand was a noted woodworker and after dinner speaker in his day, and thus there are no Earthly records to confirm his resume. We would warn all future employers against hiring this Mr. Christ until he can establish that he is not an illegal immigrant using an alias.

Whether there are any descendants of Mr. Christ will soon be decided by U.S. Supreme Court in a case brought by Anna Nicole Smith, a respected television show personality, who has claimed one half of the kingdom promised to her by Mr. Christ.