Sunday, December 31, 2006

Paris Hilton Aces Her SATs

Paris Hilton surprised Tinseltown when it was announced that she scored well on her SATs. Hilton, whom our ace business reporters have discovered is the heir to the Motel 6 chain, is the daughter of Patrick McGoohan, who portrayed Number 6 on the television show “The Prisoner”. Hilton has developed a persona as a “dumb blonde” which betrays the real Hilton who is really a brunette.

“The SATs were easy”, Hilton’s publicist told us in her Motel 6 room, “Paris aced them with little problem.” Paris, it should be noted, was named for a town in Texas, namely San Antonio. “During the SATs test, the examiner, apparently a gentleman named Simon, would say “sats down”, “stands up”, “Simon says sats down”, and “Simon says stands up. Almost half the time, Paris would correctly respond and sats or stands when Simon said “Simon said,” the publicist explained.

When told that good SAT scores would allow Paris to attend college, the publicist noted that most college students spend their time drinking and partying. "Paris is ready for graduate school, if you ask me", the examiner Simon added.

The SATs were made more difficult this year by adding an oral section. Simon states he has videotaped that section of the test and that the tape will soon be available in adult bookstores.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Dasher, R.I.P.

Hollywood and the animal kingdom, which includes Yankee Stadium, were saddened to learn of the passing of Dasher, the famous reindeer who once led Santa’s sleigh and, in an earlier career, was a burlesque dancer on Times Square.

Dasher transformed into a gigantic venison meal for Santa while assisting in the delivery of gifts somewhere over Korea. The United States accused North Korea of striking Dasher with an illegal weapons launch. The North Koreans, noting that Santa was bringing gifts to North Korean leader Kim Il-sung in violation of international sanctions, blamed the South Koreans for Dasher’s death. The Iranian media blamed Israel.

Dasher for many years was the lead reindeer on Santa’s sleigh yet slipped in importance upon the elevation of Rudolph as the main guider of Santa’s sleigh. Already conspiracy theorists are alleging that Rudolph may have been behind Dasher’s death in a preventive move against a contemplated coup by Dasher to regain authority.

Santa Clause, of the North Pole and Boca Rotan, Fl., appeared to be taking the news calmly. “Gripe, there are a mess of other reindeer. I could never keep them apart, anyway. Which one bought the farm again?”, an obviously tired and obese Santa was quoted as stating while chomping on a venison sandwich. Mrs. Clause issued a statement expressing her sorry over the passing of Dasher, noting “Dasher was a member of our family, or at least a member of family one would keep in a barn. He, or she, I never figured out which, will be deeply missed by delusional children around the world.”

The remains of Dasher will be buried after leftovers of Dasher are served during the upcoming week. “Dasher was a good reindeer”, an anonymous elf stated, “especially with a touch of steak sauce.”