Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Elvis Killed JFK in Jealousy over Marilyn Monroe

Elvis Presley, who has been working as an automobile mechanic in Billings, Montana since faking his death several years ago, has confessed to assassinating John Kennedy in a jealous outrage over Marilyn Monroe, the inspiration for his song “hunka hunka burning love”. Presley stated he could never understand what attracted Monroe to Kennedy, observing “granted, he could get on all networks at the same time, but he was only on television a few times a year, and Kennedy never once did a movie or cut an album like I did.” Presley stated he was standing on the grassy knoll on that fateful day when he got cold feet and decided against shooting Kennedy. So, instead, he cleaned his rifle, which accidentally fired three, maybe four (Presley can’t remember which) times. “I was stunned later when I learned the shots hit someone, as the most I could ever hit before was a television set and only then if it were three feet in front of me”, Presley stated. Presley admitted he only has come forward after learning that the 40 year statute of limitations for first degree murder had passed (or, at least, that’s what we told him). In further conversation, Presley stated he had been shocked when he learned his daughter has married a member of the Jackson 5, but was relieved when he saw the wedding photos, noting “at least she married the white member of the group.”