Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Lyin' Trump

I was concerned when a Trump aide suggested that actions should be taken against people who write false stories about Donald Trump. Since we at the Irrational Injurer are all about writing false stores, we wish to get our false stories in before it is too late. After all, it is our view that Donald Trump is a public figure and that any comments made, even false ones, are protected by the freedom of speech, or, as Donald Trump believes, the Second Amendment.

So, Donald, let me begin with my lies about you. First, has anyone seen your birth certificate? You claim you were born in Queens, but do you mean Queensland? I am going to start a rumor that your real last name is Drumpf and that you are a small handed Bulgarian. What do you have to hide, not showing us your birth certificate?

I am also going to start a false rumor that, as a landlord, you continually violated the Fair Housing Act and that you disrespected people of racial minorities. Hey, I have a great falsity for you: how about if I claim that Woody Guthrie even wrote a song about your father being a racist landlord? I will then claim you seem to have continued such racism. How do it feel now, when the lies are about you?

I am on a roll. I am next going to claim you even hired illegal immigrants and then tried to not pay them and instead threatened to turn them over to immigration authorities. Further, I will joke that you have a long pattern of not paying the full amount of what you promise to contractors. Oh, I know, only a few people will actually believe such obvious lies, yet a few will, and that is all I seek.

I will continue my lies about your racial statements by claiming I once overheard you state that a judge can't be fair because he has a Mexican heritage. I know it will be hard to get people to believe you possibly ever could have said such a thing, yet I believe enough will fall for that lie. That lie might upset you a bit.

In fact, I am going to start rumors that you stated that Mexicans are a group of criminals and rapists. What do you think of that? I am even going to go further and tell people I saw you make fun of a reporter with physical disabilities. I bet that lie might get to you. Oh, but I am  not stopping there. I am going to go around telling people that you often make sexist remarks and talk about how you would like to sexually assault women just because as a celebrity you can get away with it. I bet I can get some people into thinking you could have done such things.

Then there is a whopper of a lie I have come up with. I am going to proclaim I overheard you state that you saw thousands of Muslims in New Jersey celebrating the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001. That one might be hard because people would have to think you are totally delusional that you actually would have thought you saw that, but I will see if that rumor gets any traction.

Next, I am going to just make up stuff up about you as I go along. I am going to announce, let's say, that you believe the unemployment rate is 42%. That you believe your  own tax plan will cost you money, because, come on, since you don't pay Federal income taxes, we know you could never think that. I will claim you stated you can save $300 billion on a Medicare drug program whose budget is $78 billion. Then I will make up how you warned that the Obama administration, out of the 180,000 immigrants to be allowed into the country, is going to see that 200,000 of those 180,000 are Syrians. Obviously, such delusional Math will be laughed off, but I hope a few people who are not good at Math will actually accept my falsehoods.

Then I am going to get personal. I know how you were the top student graduating from the Wharton  School. I also went to Wharton undergraduate, so I bet I might be able to get away with telling  people you really did not graduate first in your class. Further, I know your Trump University received an A rating from the Better Business Bureau but I am going to lie and claim it received a D minus rating. Oh, I am also going to run around claiming you supported the Iraq War when, of course, I know you were against it from the very beginning.

Finally, here is my favorite whopper I came up with: I am going to claim that you stated that Ted Cruz's father worked with Lee Harvey Oswald. Can you believe I actually think anyone will actually buy that story off of me?

So, there you have it, Donald Trump. You are a public figure. I can tell all the above lies about you, because I can. I hope you can take it, but then, we all know you have thick skin and can take criticism.