Monday, June 23, 2008

Who is Barack Obama and Why is he Saying All These Terrible Things About Us?

The Obama campaigns states they can refute any Internet rumors within minutes. Let’s see them deny any of the truths that our cracked reporters have dug up:

Barry Goldwater Obamapleasedontgo (later shortened to Bamapl) was born in international waters on a life raft fleeing Cuba by taking a long route to Hawaii. His mother, Duchess Ann Dunhampton, was disinherited by her British nobility parents when she married her pool boy, Barry Goldwater, Jr., not because they disapproved of him as a father but because he left the pool a mess. Barry Bamapl was left fatherless at age 2 when his father attempted to sail back to Cuba to retrieve a baseball cap he had left behind.

Left fatherless, Barry Bamapl renamed himself several times to disassociate his name from his fathers. His first choice, Barry Hitler Obama earned him much ridicule at the political assasination school he attended, so he changed his name to the less offensive Barack Hitler Obama. Fortunately, records show Barack flunked out of this school so he turned to his safety school, Harvard University and he changed his name to an Anglicized name of Saddam Hussein Mussolini.

Saddam then switched both to Camels cigarettes and to Columbia University where he studied international relations by attending weekend parties at International House. He then received his first job at Business International Corporation where he was brainwashed to go into politics and became a tool of corporate America, just as Ralph Nader always suspected.

Saddam Hussein Mussolini found Jesus through his spiritual leader, a radio minister and totally inoffensive preacher named Howard Stern. Mussolini changed his name to Barack Obama after a stripper interviewed on the show. Barack decided to enter politics by running against the husband of a Star Trek star by pointing out that only nerds watch Star Trek. This so humiliated his opponent that his opponent then withdrew in favor of a candidate who didn’t even live in the state as no one else in the state wanted to run.

Barack Obama decided to run for President when polls showed he was slightly ahead of his potential opponents Mike Gravel and Dennis Kucinich. The campaign became divisive when Kucinich underwent a sex change operation to win the female vote, a strategy that proved effective. Obama was able to secure the nomination by convincing the Democratic National Committee that Michigan and Florida were really parts of Canada and Mexico and that delegates from Canada and Mexico favoring Mrs. Kucinich should not be allowed to vote at the Democratic National Convention. This strategy almost proved embarrassing when Obama realized he had accidentally filed for President as a Republican.

Barack Obama will be elected President as Chuck Hegel has already programmed all the voting machines his company makes to tabulate the votes for Obama for President, just as Ralph Nader always suspected. Obama will be sworn in as President on January 20, 2009, or the day after President Bush declares martial law in the war against terrorism.