Thursday, November 30, 2006

Maybe You Haven't Found Jesus, But Jesus Has Been Found

The existence of Jesus Christ, which has confounded religious scholars for centuries as no records of his existence have been found in any documents from his era, was settled yesterday when the Bethlehem Bureau of Vital Statistics and Intermediate Mathematics announced that they have finally found Jesus’s birth certificate. It turns out that the birth certificate of Jesus Christ was accidentally filed under H as Jesus C. Hrist.

The more startling news was it turns out that the date listed on Jesus's birth certificate is “December 24, 0 B.C.” instead of what tradition thought the date was, “December 25, 0 B.C.” News of this is already sending shock waves throughout the world, as the retail industry expects to lose billions of dollars due to the shortened Christmas shopping season. Further, the airlines industry is finding its phones line jammed due to the many passengers rebooking their flights one day earlier.

The Bethlehem public records on Jesus though remain confused as it turns out there are two separate death certificates.

The Truth About Michael Richards

The Irrational Injurer wishes to report that we are shocked and ashamed at the behavior of Michael Richards at a recent stand-up gig. Apparently Mr. Richards is a moralistic bigot who dislikes us people who like to have sex in the middle of the day. Upon spotting a representative of the Irrational Injurer in the audience, Mr. Richards demanded the removal of the reporter and publicly voiced his disapproval of the sexual choice our reporter has made in his life. Shouting “he’s a nooner. Throw him out of here”, Mr. Richards demonstrated extreme insensitivity towards people of different sexual orientations. Further, when Mr. Richards mentioned how our reporter likes to be tied up and have a fork shoved up his butt, we believe that it is the personal decision of that person and none of Mr. Richard’s business. Our reporter tried to respond, and while we recognize that Mr. Richards is a far more intelligent man than our reporter, there was no need for him to point out that ‘this is what you get for interrupting a bright man.” We believe there should be a healing, and we request that Mr. Richards meet with our reporter and with a representative of his community, Ron Jeremy. Let the healing begin.