Adolph Hitler, Television Programming Executive, Dies

Adolph Hitler, television network programmer, died yesterday of old age. Hitler is best known for his selection of mind numbing television programs watched by millions of American viewers every day. “At first, I was just joking. I could say anything: strand people on a desert island, have a genie in a bottle, a mother who comes back to life as a car. But, then they actually put these ideas on television.” Hitler’s most recent achievement included the invention of reality television.

Prior to his television executive work, Hitler was active in German politics. He unsuccessfully sought world domination. “Eventually, I learned, I can torture millions of people with awful television”, in an interview where he explained his attraction to the television industry.

Hitler is survived by his widow Eva, a respected right wing talk show host.

Keith Richards Suspended for Drug Use

The Commissioner of Baseball and Entertainment has announced that random drug testing of entertainers has found that Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones has tested for positive for drugs. In fact, the testing agency stated that, after two hours of positive tests for various kinds of drugs, they gave up on any further testing after test after test came up positive. In fact, the tests could find only evidence of drugs and no other bodily fluids. As a result of this violation, Mr. Richards has been suspended from the Rolling Stones for ten days. The role of Mr. Richards will be performed by Pauly Shore, who may have been accidentally drafted by Mr. Jagger who, when informed he needed a replacement, replied either “sure” or “shore”. We’re not certain which he meant.

Future United States Senator is Not Colorful

U.S. Rep. Katherine Harris stated “whenever they made fun of my makeup, it was because the newspapers colorized my photograph.” Thus, a deep, dark secret about this member of Congress has been revealed: Kathleen Harris exists naturally only in black and white. Indeed, she lives in a world where Eisenhower is still President, sex had yet to be invented, and all Democrats are Communists. Rep. Harris is expected to soon announce she is running for the United States Senate. She believes her chances are good, but will know that better once she is finished programming the voting machines.

Tales of Hollywood Perverted Sex Exposed

A supporting actress with a long history of movie making is reported, according to a conversation we overheard on a bus, to be writing a book about another kind of making, and by that we mean, love making, because we know more readers won’t otherwise understand what we mean by “another kind of making.” Her book will have intimate details of the sexual secrets of many of Hollywood’s biggest entertainers and bus drivers. “You’ll be surprised how perverted some of these big shot movie people are”, this actress would have told us if we had had been able to reach her, “you’d be surprised to learn what names are into the missionary position. Why, there are several people, and I can’t name them at this time, who actually wanted me naked when we make love.”

Horrid tales of kissing, holding hands, and other acts too deplorable to even mention here, will be exposed in this upcoming book.

Harpo Marx and Oprah Winfrey in Litigation

Harpo Marx has sued Oprah Winfrey for copyright violation for naming her company, Harpo Publishing, after him without paying him any royalties. Ms. Winfrey has countersued because, well, that's what people do when they are sued. When it was pointed out to Mr. Marx that Ms. Winfrey chose the name "Harpo" because it is her name, Oprah, spelled backwards, Mr. Marx responded "well, then, that's different." When Ms. Winfrey was told that countersuing Mr. Marx may be ineffective because he has been dead for several decades, Ms. Winfrey responded "well, then, that's different."

Bo Bice's Gambling Catches Up to Him

Bo Bice received a broken foot in Manchester, New Hampshire. Bo, Bo, Bo, we keep telling you. You can't gamble more than you can afford. This is what happens when you don't pay back as expected.

Terri Hatcher Dating Teenagers

According to our sources, which we invented, the reports that Terri Hatcher is "dating like a teenager" are more accurate then first believed. Terri Hatcher is, in fact, dating teenagers. She draws the line at 12 year olds, finding the boys that young usually lack the level of maturing she seeks in a date. "I enjoy the innocence of a great make-out" Ms. Hatcher proclaimed, and we believe her teenager boyfriends agree. "Wasn't she like Lois Lane's mom, or something like that" an excited 17 year old boy asked us when we interviewed him. Not that he ever met Ms. Hatcher, but he did agree to the interview.

Hugh Grant is a Murderer

Hugh Grant has confessed to the murder of Deborah Hutton. Grant writes that he took a hair dryer and "I now concede--have finished her off." A friend of a friend who works at the hospital which was the scene of this crime claims Mr. Grant placed Ms. Hutton in a tub of water to see what her reaction would be to holding the hair dryer. Unfortunately, this did not do the trick as Hugh Grant could not figure out how to turn the hair dryer on. Mr. Grant then tried strangling Ms. Hutton with the hair dryer's cord. Unfortunately, this only seems to have greatly tickled and only yielded outrageous laughter on the part of Ms. Hutton. Hugh Grant, in frustration, then acted as a hair dresser and gave Ms. Hutton a new hair style which, in the frank opinion of undisclosed eyewitnesses, looked hideous. It is well known that, in Hollywood, a bad hairdo is death. Ms. Hutton passed away at that point.

Ellen DeGeneres Is Not Gay

We are upset at the widespread rumor against one of television's brightest stars. We hope people will stop spreading these malicious rumors. Some of you may have heard some vicious rumor that Ellen DeGeneres is gay. We are certain this is being spread by some jealous Hollywood types trying to hurt the career of this big star. We suggest you just turn your backs on these wild stories.

We are glad to bring you the truth.