Friday, September 16, 2005

Heidi Klum into Bestiality

Famed stage actress Heidi Klum is secretly into bestiality, or at least it was a secret until we are the first to break the story and ruin Ms. Klum’s reputation all across the nation except parts of Montana. “Heidi Klum not only is dating a seal, but I heard they secretly got married”, our paid informant told us while unscrewing the cap to the wine we gave her, “now, maybe that isn’t bestiality, but it at least is fishiality.”

It is illegal to marry a fish in Vermont. We checked. We doublechecked. We are not allowed back in Vermont.

We are not certain if a seal is a mammal, fish, or bird, and we’re too lazy to look it up. Whatever a seal is, we highly suspect it is unnatural for a human to engage in sensuous interludes followed by long walks in the park with a seal, although strolls along the beaches might be understandable.

Countless attempts to get a quote from Ms. Klum’s publicists were unsuccessful and it appears our number has been blocked. Also, we ran out of quarters.

Heidi Klum has an unusual background, being born in cologne, Germany in 1973. Perhaps seals are attracted to the smell of people born in cologne bottles. Asked if marrying a seal would hurt her career, a noted critic found shouting that the world will end soon responded, “well, if she can reach out to the fish around the world, then maybe there will be world peace. But, that is not likely. The Martians are getting to out us first.”