Friday, September 16, 2005

Despite Giving Birth, Britney Spears is Still a Virgin

Britney Spears continues to deny all rumors that she is pregnant, according to the press releases we finally got around to reading. “Just because a child came out of her body doesn’t mean she’s pregnant”, explained someone who claims to be associated either with Ms. Spears or broccoli spears, “in fact, it’s a scienceticial fact that once you’ve given birth, you ain’t no longer pregnant.”

People we interview in the Spears circle, which include a five mile radius of mostly rabid fans who at most have seen her for a few seconds, claim the rumor that Britney Spears ever was pregnant is just a silly rumor. “In fact, we know she’s still a virgin”, explained one guy while rubbing his 50 inch belly, “I mean, why else would she turn me down for hot urangutan sex?”

We asked an expert at a local clinic if it was possible that a woman could give birth and still be a virgin. “Uhhhh, how did you get in here”, replied the highly regarded registered nurse. A nearby priest, though, confirmed that it is possible to give birth while a virgin.

Is Britney Spears still a virgin? Only her hairdresser knows and, quite frankly, if we think it is up to him, our guess is: yes.