Monday, July 24, 2006

Kate Hudson's REAL Weight Problem

Kate Hudson has won a lawsuit against a tabloid that claimed she was too thin. We at the Irrational Injurer do not wish to be sued. So, let us be perfectly clear: we do not think Kate Hudson is too thin.

In fact, just to make this point certain, let us state: Kate Hudson, you’re too fat. Have you looked in a mirror? You may think you have a gorgeous body, but let’s face it, as you’re getting older, those hips and legs are ballooning up. Frankly, may we suggest that you try purging your meals, exercising obsessively, and skipping meals. We believe this would be a healthy solution to your humongous weight gain. At least that’s what the women in our office suggest. Also, they advise taking lots of laxatives.

Have you considered liposuction? Don’t worry: lots of actresses have had plastic surgery. You’ll fit right in with the others as you wait in those long casting lines.

If you can’t lose the weight, don’t give up hope. There are still some small roles reserved for obese women in some films. Usually it is a comedy that makes fun of fat women, but you’ll learn to laugh at yourself.

In the meanwhile, be prepared to hear words like “fat cow”, “wide load”, and jokes about how you need to see an Astronomer for your annual physical. It is best you realize this now before you hear it in a hurtful place.

Just don’t fall for “your mamma” comments. Your mother isn’t fat. She’s hot. Of course, we think SHE might be a little too thin…