Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Truth About the Secret of Britney Spears Being a Murderer

The National Enquirer is retracting its stories on Britney Spears. We at the Irrational Inquirer wish to one up the National Enquirer by stating that not only are we retracting all of our stories on Britney Spears, but we are retracting the ones we never did print about her.

We seem to be mistaken that Britney Spears is a form of a British broccoli. Nor is Britney Spears a form of British intelligence assassination.

Our story that she is really a flying half horse, half mermaid is, in fact, an error. We weren’t seeing her too clearly that day. Our mistake.

Our story that she is secretly married to Tom Cruise is, as best as we can tell, wrong. Tom Cruise, Kevin Federline: these Hollywood types all look alike. And they all look like mermaids flying through the sky.

We were wrong to print that Britney Spears and John Seigenthaler assassinated John F. Kennedy. We now believe Seigenthaler acted alone.

We were going to retract the story about Britney Spears kissing Madonna, but it seems that one is actually true. I wonder if her husband Tom Cruise knows about her and Madonna? And what does Madonna’s husband Joseph think about all this, when he’s not hiding taking photos of the two of them together. And we see by the photos: someone isn’t wearing a seat belt.

Finally, we admit we were wrong to write that Britney Spears will be replacing Star Jones on “The View”. She instead will be replacing Dan Rather.

We hopes this clears all the confusion