Keith Richards Suspended for Drug Use

The Commissioner of Baseball and Entertainment has announced that random drug testing of entertainers has found that Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones has tested for positive for drugs. In fact, the testing agency stated that, after two hours of positive tests for various kinds of drugs, they gave up on any further testing after test after test came up positive. In fact, the tests could find only evidence of drugs and no other bodily fluids. As a result of this violation, Mr. Richards has been suspended from the Rolling Stones for ten days. The role of Mr. Richards will be performed by Pauly Shore, who may have been accidentally drafted by Mr. Jagger who, when informed he needed a replacement, replied either “sure” or “shore”. We’re not certain which he meant.