Lyin' Trump

I was concerned when a Trump aide suggested that actions should be taken against people who write false stories about Donald Trump. Since we at the Irrational Injurer are all about writing false stores, we wish to get our false stories in before it is too late. After all, it is our view that Donald Trump is a public figure and that any comments made, even false ones, are protected by the freedom of speech, or, as Donald Trump believes, the Second Amendment.

So, Donald, let me begin with my lies about you. First, has anyone seen your birth certificate? You claim you were born in Queens, but do you mean Queensland? I am going to start a rumor that your real last name is Drumpf and that you are a small handed Bulgarian. What do you have to hide, not showing us your birth certificate?

I am also going to start a false rumor that, as a landlord, you continually violated the Fair Housing Act and that you disrespected people of racial minorities. Hey, I have a great falsity for you: how about if I claim that Woody Guthrie even wrote a song about your father being a racist landlord? I will then claim you seem to have continued such racism. How do it feel now, when the lies are about you?

I am on a roll. I am next going to claim you even hired illegal immigrants and then tried to not pay them and instead threatened to turn them over to immigration authorities. Further, I will joke that you have a long pattern of not paying the full amount of what you promise to contractors. Oh, I know, only a few people will actually believe such obvious lies, yet a few will, and that is all I seek.

I will continue my lies about your racial statements by claiming I once overheard you state that a judge can't be fair because he has a Mexican heritage. I know it will be hard to get people to believe you possibly ever could have said such a thing, yet I believe enough will fall for that lie. That lie might upset you a bit.

In fact, I am going to start rumors that you stated that Mexicans are a group of criminals and rapists. What do you think of that? I am even going to go further and tell people I saw you make fun of a reporter with physical disabilities. I bet that lie might get to you. Oh, but I am  not stopping there. I am going to go around telling people that you often make sexist remarks and talk about how you would like to sexually assault women just because as a celebrity you can get away with it. I bet I can get some people into thinking you could have done such things.

Then there is a whopper of a lie I have come up with. I am going to proclaim I overheard you state that you saw thousands of Muslims in New Jersey celebrating the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001. That one might be hard because people would have to think you are totally delusional that you actually would have thought you saw that, but I will see if that rumor gets any traction.

Next, I am going to just make up stuff up about you as I go along. I am going to announce, let's say, that you believe the unemployment rate is 42%. That you believe your  own tax plan will cost you money, because, come on, since you don't pay Federal income taxes, we know you could never think that. I will claim you stated you can save $300 billion on a Medicare drug program whose budget is $78 billion. Then I will make up how you warned that the Obama administration, out of the 180,000 immigrants to be allowed into the country, is going to see that 200,000 of those 180,000 are Syrians. Obviously, such delusional Math will be laughed off, but I hope a few people who are not good at Math will actually accept my falsehoods.

Then I am going to get personal. I know how you were the top student graduating from the Wharton  School. I also went to Wharton undergraduate, so I bet I might be able to get away with telling  people you really did not graduate first in your class. Further, I know your Trump University received an A rating from the Better Business Bureau but I am going to lie and claim it received a D minus rating. Oh, I am also going to run around claiming you supported the Iraq War when, of course, I know you were against it from the very beginning.

Finally, here is my favorite whopper I came up with: I am going to claim that you stated that Ted Cruz's father worked with Lee Harvey Oswald. Can you believe I actually think anyone will actually buy that story off of me?

So, there you have it, Donald Trump. You are a public figure. I can tell all the above lies about you, because I can. I hope you can take it, but then, we all know you have thick skin and can take criticism.

Angelina Jolie Is a Space Alien: We Have the Proof

A man claims he was abducted by an alien spaceship. What I find interesting about his story is when he states the room in the spacecraft in which he was placed was full of Angelina Jolie posters. This has us, at the Irrational Inquirer, thinking. This story leads to four possibilities:

1.) Angelina Jolie literally has universal beauty. She is popular on Earth and other planets. Her agent should be discussing universal royalty rights on those alien posters. Although, we are not certain is this may cause currency conversion problems.

2.) The aliens want abductees to feel comfortable and at home. This leads to the question of why the aliens chose Angelina Jolie posters to place in the human evaluation room. Is this how distant civilizations view us, as Angelina Jolie worshippers? I am not saying this view is wrong, I am just surprised aliens from other galaxies are able to realize this.

3.) The posters just happened to belong to one of the aliens. Maybe the reason aliens come to Earth is to collect posters. Do other rooms have posters of Farrah and Derek Jeter and others? Do they just collect posters, or do they watch the movies and follow our sports teams as well?

4.) The man in nuts.

Our immediate question is, regardless of which of four hypotheses is correct, why Angelina Jolie? Why not, say, Jennifer Aniston? Is the great cosmic question, the reason for all universal formation has been in existence for is to answer the one ultimate question: who Brad Pitt should be with?

Then the truth occurred to us. Angelina Jolie is a space alien. She came to conquer Earth. Fortunately, in alien definitions, conquering a planet does not mean military conquest but societal conquest. We indeed have become a planet that bows down and gives our money to Angelina Jolie.

We note Angelina Jolie has all the traits of a space alien. When she was caught wearing a vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood around her neck, that wasn’t some kinky romantic gesture. She was collecting Earth samples. Remember when she was caught kissing her “brother” in public? No Earthling would do that, well, at least not in public. She has lions guarding her house. This had us stumped until we realized the obvious: she is a space alien. She has some kind of ability to control the actions of animals, otherwise she would risk going out to check the mail and being devoured.

We Earthlings have fallen under the trance of Angelina Jolie. No matter how bad her movies are, we keep screaming for more. When she was appointed Goodwill Ambassador”, little did we know it was an ambassador for a distant planet. Take us, Angelina, we are yours.

P.S. Any time you wish to visit and probe us, we’re available. We just hope you already have enough blood samples.

Klan Endorses Obama for President

Irving Bob Stonedwall, Grand Whizzer of the Divided Klans of America, today announced that half of us Klan membership will be voting for Barack Obama for President. “He’s half white, so it makes sense he will get half our votes”, His Imperial Whizzerdness explained. “Frankly, all this talk about us being racist is getting to be old hat. What we care about are our retirement accounts. We can’t take any more of these Republican economies.” When asked if this is a turnaround for past Klan priorities over social issues, Stonedwalled replied “look, on the social issues, we want a President and Vice President with stable and happy marriages. We look at the Republican ticket of adulterers, and say, hey, no way. We’re going with the team that knows how to live good clean stable Christian lives.”

Recent polling data indicates that Obama is receiving half the votes of NASCAR fans. Who knew he’d be do so well among Klan members?

Bigoted Bigamist Bigfoot Is In Our Freezer

The Irrational Injurer wishes to announce we have Bigfoot in our freezer. We saw how much publicity some guys got , we said: wow, we really use that amount of publicity, and they did not even have Bigfoot. So, we wish to announce: we’d love some publicity. So, we officially announce we have Bigfoot. Oh, and so we are not deceiving anyone, we really don’t have Bigfoot. Come on, everyone knew those other guys didn’t have Bigfoot. You know we don’t have Bigfoot. We don’t want to fool anyone. Again, we just want the publicity with announcing that we have Bigfoot in our freezer. So, please, let the publicity begin.

Incidentally, we also have the Vice Presidential nominees in our freezer. We will not release their identity as we are able to keep a secret. Again, we are not out to defraud anyone. We just want the publicity.

We also wish to announce that Bigfoot is engaged to marry the Olsen twins. We are not certain why, but that seems to be the type thing that also generates publicity.

Again, to be clear, Bigfoot is not really engaged to the Olsen twins. That was be bigamy. Bigfoot bigamy is a topic we wish to stay clear about. Both Vice Presidential nominees state they are in agreement with this.

We also have John Edwards in our freezer. Now, this one might actually be true. He seems to be hiding in there. We can’t get him to come out.

OK, just so we are clear, no one is to deduce that John Edwards is in fact Bigfoot and engaged to the Olsen twins. That would be irresponsible journalism, like quoting our politicians stating that it is wrong for Russia to invade a sovereign nation because we, with the exception of our invasion of Iraq, would never do that. We would, however, dress in a Bigfoot costume and marry the Olsen twins. That would be responsible journalism.

We do think Bigfoot in fact dislikes John Edwards. We believe Bigfoot is a closet bigot. Which does not mean that Bigfoot is in the closet because Bigfoot is a closeted gay. Bigfoot is in fact an outspoken gay.

We state that just because we want to be able to write that we have a bigoted bigamist Bigfoot in our freezer. Which, of course, is not true. Bigfoot is an animal who does not distinguish between people because of race.

Incidentally, we sympathize with our friend Benjamin Lautenberg who shortened his name and now finds he is on the “no fly” list. So, Ben Laden, but those are the breaks.

We do have actual news, and that is a scandal has broken out at a Philadelphia race track. It seems the track continued accepted bets after the races had been run. That is poor business sense. The really sad part is the bettors still lost.

John McCain McCan't

The Irrational Injurer staff have completed the most thorough investigative research ever into the secrets of John McCain. The following is what they have found:

John McCain was born to a Panama and a Panapa. He attended the Naval Academy where he planned future wars with Charlie Wilson. McCain served honorably in the Navy and is the last surviving veteran of the Spanish American War. After the war, John McCain went into politics serving as the Territory Governor for the State of Arizona and Northern Mexico and later, after Arizona was granted statehood, as a member of the Mexican Senate. As Senator, McCain is most remembered for the McCain Feingold Law that allowed only the sale of fine Mexican gold to foreigners. McCain was known as a political maverick who would speak out against the Administration before giving in to what they wanted from him.

McCain, with his brothers Michael, Tito, Jermaine, and Jackie, formed the Keating Five. The Keating Five were arrested for disrupting the 1968 Democratic National Convention for singing such protest songs as “Give War a Chance for 100 Years” and “Power to the Enron People”. They were acquitted when the Judge realized they were Caucasian. McCain went on to write the best selling book “Faith of My Fathers”, which proved embarrassing as his mother had wanted her bigamy kept quiet. In November of this year, McCain will be defeated by President by Barack Obama because Chuck Hegel has already programmed the voting machines to tabulated Obama the winner.

Who is Barack Obama and Why is he Saying All These Terrible Things About Us?

The Obama campaigns states they can refute any Internet rumors within minutes. Let’s see them deny any of the truths that our cracked reporters have dug up:

Barry Goldwater Obamapleasedontgo (later shortened to Bamapl) was born in international waters on a life raft fleeing Cuba by taking a long route to Hawaii. His mother, Duchess Ann Dunhampton, was disinherited by her British nobility parents when she married her pool boy, Barry Goldwater, Jr., not because they disapproved of him as a father but because he left the pool a mess. Barry Bamapl was left fatherless at age 2 when his father attempted to sail back to Cuba to retrieve a baseball cap he had left behind.

Left fatherless, Barry Bamapl renamed himself several times to disassociate his name from his fathers. His first choice, Barry Hitler Obama earned him much ridicule at the political assasination school he attended, so he changed his name to the less offensive Barack Hitler Obama. Fortunately, records show Barack flunked out of this school so he turned to his safety school, Harvard University and he changed his name to an Anglicized name of Saddam Hussein Mussolini.

Saddam then switched both to Camels cigarettes and to Columbia University where he studied international relations by attending weekend parties at International House. He then received his first job at Business International Corporation where he was brainwashed to go into politics and became a tool of corporate America, just as Ralph Nader always suspected.

Saddam Hussein Mussolini found Jesus through his spiritual leader, a radio minister and totally inoffensive preacher named Howard Stern. Mussolini changed his name to Barack Obama after a stripper interviewed on the show. Barack decided to enter politics by running against the husband of a Star Trek star by pointing out that only nerds watch Star Trek. This so humiliated his opponent that his opponent then withdrew in favor of a candidate who didn’t even live in the state as no one else in the state wanted to run.

Barack Obama decided to run for President when polls showed he was slightly ahead of his potential opponents Mike Gravel and Dennis Kucinich. The campaign became divisive when Kucinich underwent a sex change operation to win the female vote, a strategy that proved effective. Obama was able to secure the nomination by convincing the Democratic National Committee that Michigan and Florida were really parts of Canada and Mexico and that delegates from Canada and Mexico favoring Mrs. Kucinich should not be allowed to vote at the Democratic National Convention. This strategy almost proved embarrassing when Obama realized he had accidentally filed for President as a Republican.

Barack Obama will be elected President as Chuck Hegel has already programmed all the voting machines his company makes to tabulate the votes for Obama for President, just as Ralph Nader always suspected. Obama will be sworn in as President on January 20, 2009, or the day after President Bush declares martial law in the war against terrorism.

Nicole Richie Seeks Simplistic Life with Paris Hilton

Nicole Richie announced she wishes to patch up his disagreements with Paris Hilton and star with her in another season of The Simple Life”. When she learned that Paris is planning a 45 day stretch of simple jobs such as making license plates, sweeping floors, and cleaning toilets, Nicole reportedly became very jealous and wanted to be a part of this new series of challenging occupations. She is also amazed to learn that toilets need to be cleaned, as she thought all that flushing meant they were self-cleaning.

“Why is Paris getting all this publicity just because she’s going some new jobs? I don’t understand it”, Nicole questioned, adding “why Paris is even getting publicity for firing her publicist who got her this publicit? Why can’t I get a publicist willing to let me fire him for the publicity of it?” As if anyone cares, Nicole promptly fired her publicist.

When Nicole was informed that Paris would be performing these jobs at an exclusive location with very limited entrance, Nicole demanded to learn how she could be accepted into admission. When told it would involve her committing a crime, Nicole reportedly snorted some cocaine and became flustered because she doesn’t believe in breaking the law.

When overhearing on a passing boom box that there was a rally in Paris supporting the election of an admirer of the United States as its President, Nicole replied that she is glad that Ms. Hilton likes America, that she, too, is an admirer of the United States, and that she is glad that President Bush has also become an admirer of the United States. “America is a great country because they have airplanes that fly to France”, Ms. Riche explained. A police officer requested permission to arrest Nicole Richie for being so stupid until he realized that would only unite her with Paris Hilton.