Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The Truth About the Britney Spears Sex Video

Our sources have learned of an explicit, raunchy video starring Britney Spears which is so embarrassing her friends and family hopes the public never sees it. Video retailers are reportedly excited over the prospect of selling images of the singer engaging in numerous sexually provocative positions. The video, which is a compilation of the singer’s music videos to date, is expected to be released as soon as various legal entanglements are completed. Remain legal complications are the inability of the legal team representing Britney Spears to watch the entire video without calling off sick for the remainder of the day.

Rumors spread by Ms. Spears’s husband, Kevin Federline, that he is a major portion of the sexual appeal found in this video, have proven to be totally false. Mr. Federline’s attorney stated he intends to sue anyone who claims otherwise. No, seriously, he did.

Further rumors that a member of the Spears-Federline entourage stole a copy of the video and warned he would burn it only if Britney Spears paid a ransom have been proven to be false. Apparently a member of the entourage did steal the video, but was bribed and prevented by Spears from his intentions of burning it. The member of the entourage explained “it was me against the music”, and the music won. Ms. Spears stated it was her “prerogative” to release the video onto an unsuspecting public, claiming watching the videos would only make the public “stronger”.

Former President George H. W. Bush, while viewing the video, turned to his Japanese guests and proclaimed “oops…I did it again.” The Japanese guests were horrified, claimed Ms. Spears’s singing is really “toxic”. Japanese employees protesting outside the event complained of horrible working conditions. One employee told how his employer made him work long hours and he felt that Japanese working conditions forced employees to think of his employer that “I’m a slave 4 U.”

Britney Spears further announced she would be jogging in public in skimpy clothing and exposed underwear between 2 pm and 2:30 pm, and that she really, really hoped no photographers would be there.