Monday, April 10, 2006

Charlize Theron to Marry All Gay Members of Congress to Get Gay Marriage Passed

Charlize Theron has stated she will not marry until gays and lesbians are allowed to marry. According to our Congressional sources, this may be the strongest motivator to get Congress to allow gays to marry. “If more Senators knew they could marry Charlize Theron, but only after they allow gay marriage, you’ll see a gay marriage bill on the President’s desk within five minutes” according to our D.C. source asking for government grants and spare change in front of Union Station.

Gay marriage lobbyists are developing a list of available stars who will marry members of Congress who agree to allow gay marriage. “Some of the members are making impossible demands, stating they won’t agree to it until they get an Angelina Jolie or a Jennifer Anniston. Most though are willing to consider lesser known actresses, particularly those from movies that don’t show up in the Guild registry but apparently the members of Congress have their DVDs in brown paper bags in their offices. Senate President Dick Cheney says he wants to marry Jane Fonda and, for their honeymoon, take her quail hunting. One member wanted two wives: talk about your duplicate government bureaucracy, one inquired about the availability of Jake Gyllenhaal, so I think we’ve got his vote, and one asked whether Bea Arthur is available. I’m not sure if we have or even want his vote,” explained a lobbyist who looked a bit like Tom DeLay with a paper bag over his head. “I’m worried there are some members who aren’t responding at all”, the lobbyist explained, noting that Rep. Barney Frank seemed totally uninterested in any of the female actors who stated they are willing to marry him. “And I thought Massachusetts politicians were all liberals. Who knew open minded Barney would turn out to be such a prude.”

The White House had no immediate comment, yet did inquire as to the availability of Courtney Love and whether she still has some of the good stuff.